It has been a while since I have written a post, and quite frankly I'm not even sure I have the energy to write this at midnight after a long day of work (not to mention a grueling work out earlier this evening) all while trying to still play stay-at-home-mom to my little Spring Break born child.
I am tired & drained... emotionally, mentally, physically, you name it. There are times when I feel like a chicken with my head cut off, and sometimes when I honestly just break down and cry, mostly out of pure exhaustion and sleep deprivation. As a single mom, majority of the time I feel like I am playing both mommy and daddy, and more times than not, I am the "bad guy." We argue, privileges are taken away, he gets sent to his room which then is usually followed with a "I don't like you, mommy!" or "You're not my best friend!"
I could lie to you and say those little words don't hurt my feelings, but they do sting, and there is nothing I can do about that. I wouldn't be human if those words didn't cut like knives, whether it's coming from my 5 year old or anyone else for that matter!
You know what I say? "I love you, Ryder, but I don't want to be your best friend, I want to be your mommy." I choose to stand my ground, for the betterment of my child. I refuse to give in because I know that will only hurt him in the end. I stay strong, even when it hurts my heart or when I turn away or have to run to the bathroom to cry (you know what I'm talking about!).
With that said, I will end this with a letter to Ryder. An "I'm sorry, I'm not sorry" letter, so he understands why I make the decisions I do, and that most of the time they are just as hard on me as they are him. But, my hope is that he knows how much I love him.
To my little man,
I am sorry that I work "all the time" and cannot play dinosaurs or sword fighting for hours. I am not sorry that I am showing you what an educated, successful woman looks like and helping to carve a path of success for your future by doing so though.
I am sorry that I make you cry when you talk back to me and I take your toys or iPad away. I am not sorry that I am teaching you how to be polite, respectful and kind to others though.
I am sorry that your mommy and daddy are no longer married and that you have a difficult time transitioning from house to house sometimes. I am not sorry that this situation teaches you adversity, how to cope with change and how much both parents can love a child without actually being in the same house though.
I am sorry I cannot make every soccer practice, school performance or class party due to work like some of the other moms. I am not sorry that we have our own fun game night or sporting practices at home after work, and tons of parties/hang out sessions together on the weekends though.
I am sorry that you have seen or heard me cry when I have been hurt, sad, scared, tired, etc. I am not sorry that you will learn to comfort others when they are hurting, you will understand the true meaning of empathy or that you will know that it is OK to cry sometimes though.
I am sorry that I cannot pick you up from "carline" at school with the other stay-at-home moms when I so badly want to. I am not sorry that you have extra time to learn, explore, imagine and play with other kids for a little bit longer each day though,
I am sorry that I do not get to see you every single day of your life. I am not sorry that you understand the importance of quality versus quantity of time and that being away from me never means forever though.
I am sorry that some nights I am just so exhausted I want to sit, cuddle and watch a movie with you. I am not sorry that you are able to see that work and life can be exhausting and it's good to learn to appreciate the downtime sometimes though.
I hope that you realize that life is not that serious.
I hope that you are not afraid to take risks and venture out of the "box" society closes us up in.
I hope that you start and finish college, one day.
I hope that you truly love yourself, before you love someone else.
I hope that you give back and donate time, money, items, to a good cause.
Most of all, I hope that you are happy.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Your mommy (and best friend, most days)
Happy Birthday, to my silly, goofy, cute, funny, talkative, wild, loving, caring, cuddling little baby boy, Ryder. I cannot believe you are five.