I realize I haven't been on here in years, and a lot has happened since 2016. I got married to the man of my dreams. We had a baby girl (Londyn) who is now 2.5 years old and is the cutest little thing ever. We bought a house and we're about to open up a fitness studio; I got a bigger and better job, the list of highlights over the past 4 years goes on and on! Anyway, I didn't know where else to write this, so I came here...a place where I can be and have been vulnerable and share openly parts of my life that I would in other circumstances be too afraid to share. I wrote this post 10 days ago and just couldn't get up the "bravery" to share. I am still not OK...I don't know when I will be, and that''s OK with me. Anyway, the post below is raw and painful to read back, but it's the truth, my truth and I had to write it out so it didn't eat me up inside. So here it goes...
Today. Today I would be 8.5 weeks pregnant; and instead, I am curled up on the couch with hot steamy tears dripping down my face, praying for God to continue to heal me and take the pain away. Why you may ask? Let me take you back...
May 1, 2020
Nic's birthday morning, and the day I held my breath as I took a pregnancy test at 7am in our bathroom, praying that this month would be it! That we would have our third little blessing come into our lives and complete our family. I had been feeling SO sick and tired for two weeks prior, so I was thinking if I WASN'T pregnant, then something else was terribly wrong with me! As I closed my eyes, prayed and waited for the results, I imagined a million different ways I could tell Nic the good news on his birthday! A pink and blue cake, writing it in his birthday card, a pair of baby booties wrapped up in all of his presents, I could go on and on...and then there it was, a very clear PREGNANT. My heart leaped out of my chest and I ran into our bedroom (tossing out all of my creative ideas, mind you) to wake up Nic and tell him because I couldn't wait a second longer! I remember the exact words I used with a HUGE grin on my face,, "What if I told you I was pregnant?!"
The next two weeks waiting for my first ultrasound seemed to take FOREVER. It's strange how God works, and maybe it's just because I'm getting old, but I had so many doubts, fears, worries, wonder, and thoughts surrounding this pregnancy, more than ever before. "What if we have a miscarriage?" "are we ready for another baby?" "how will the kids react?" "will my delivery be as difficult this time?" ...and I started filling my mind with doubt and concern for this baby; so I started praying EVERY day for him or her. That he or she was safe, protected, knew that God loved him/her and for God to help lessen my worries and fears. Fear is such a wild thing isn't it? The Bible tells us do not fear and do not be anxious, and it's ALL throughout the Bible...Psalm 34:4, Psalm 118:6, Isaiah 41: 10, Philippians 4:6-7...and I KNOW these things, but I still can't help but fear that of which I cannot control. It never does me any good either!
Those two weeks were filled with baby names, researching and finding all the perfect baby items and healthy recipes and tips and tricks (because it seems like every pregnancy is my "first" all over again...you forget the little things!) I even ordered a new beautiful baby bag.for the hospital. We were so excited!
May 15, 2020
My first ultrasound at 6 weeks. I was SO excited to see the baby and possibly hear a heartbeat! The doctor looked and said everything looked fine, the baby was just really small and too little to hear a heartbeat just yet. I thought nothing of it and went on with our plans to share the good news with our family on Mother's Day. We bought each of our moms beautiful plants in these wooden triangular boxes and had the kids put painted handprints on each. We bought them cards, and I had secretly put an extra one in our shopping cart for Ryder that he just LOVED and "had to have" and inserted a cute "Baby in Bloom" note inside each one to surprise everyone that day; I had Nic film them opening it. I think I've rewatched that video a million times. The excitement and joy on Ryder's face alone gave me so much happiness. Thhe happy tears and jumps for joy...ah, how my heart aches thinking back on that day.
The next two weeks were a blur, with blood tests and multiple ultrasounds to confirm, reconfirm and reconfirm again that there was no heartbeat and the baby was in fact, not growing. I prayed for a miracle. Those happen every day! "The things that are impossible with men, are possible with God." (Luke 18:27). I pleaded with God to give us this baby and found hope in John 15:5, "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you." My sister was my prayer warrior throughout all of this and I am so thankful that I had her by my side. She would send me positive messages and sent me to the Bible for answers each time I was struggling. She told me to not be afraid, God is with you and shared Numbers 14:9, She shared Jeremiah 29:!1, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God." So there I was, holding my breath...again. Praying for a miracle.
When we finally got the devastating news that the baby didn't make it, I crumbled. I felt every single feeling. Confused, helplessness, sad, mad, lost, lonely, broken. So many times I wanted to ask WHY? But I never could. I think deep down I knew that if this was God's plan for us, there was a reason and only time would give me those answers. That Wednesday, I took the medication to induce miscarriage, and that day and the days following were some of the most painful (physically, emotionally, spiritually) days of my life. I was so sick, drained, and depleted. The medicine made me nauseous and weak; I could barely eat. I didn't want to get out of bed. Loneliness would try and creep in even with Nic right there by my side. I wanted to cry all the time. That day the beautiful hospital bag I ordered arrived. I pulled it out of it's perfectly wrapped box and stared at it for days, and God, that hurt. Honestly, without my tribe of family and friends, I don't know how I would have gotten through this. I kept hearing"For I know the plans I have for you..."
But, God...it hurt to tell Ryder. I dreaded that moment. I knew it would hurt like hell, and it did. That was one of the toughest conversations I will probably ever have to have with my child. He wept in my arms for what felt like hours and we talked and he asked questions and although his heart was so broken he kept asking ME if I was OK. His little heart was worried about me, too. He has brought up his "baby brother" a few times since and still says he wishes he didn't have to go to Heaven, but he understands that he is God's angel now and I am so thankful for him, his understanding, his thoughtfulness and his love for me.
I know now that this baby was meant to be SO MUCH MORE than an Earthly child. He or she was MEANT to be an angel for God; he or she brought a message from God to me. God showed up through him/her. So I named him/her Gabriel, which means "strength of God" or "man of God," named after the angel seen so often in the Bible as one of God's greatest archangels who delivered the good news of Jesus' birth and brought very important messages from God down to Daniel and Luke and so many others. Here are the messages our little Gabriel brought to me from God:
I am a mess. God knows I am. But I also know He has me in his hands and He is still writing my story. God always shows up. He's always there. My sister told me the other day that God isn't just "around," he is RIGHT BY MY SIDE. and as I laid in bed while she told me that, I felt him right next to me, holding my hand and telling me everything is going to be OK. Everything IS going to be OK.
As I sit here on the couch, wrapping this up, I have, yet again, another reminder of God's love for me on my coffee mug that my husband just brought me. A coffee mug I received for Mother's Day that my precious children decorated for me, and written on it is our favorite phrase, "I love you more than all the stars in the sky." Today, I am squeezing my babies a little tighter and thanking God for the blessings he has already given me and thanking Him for allowing our little angel baby Gabriel to give me all of the messages of hope and God's love for all of us.